They say you can’t move forward if you’re stuck in the past. Sometimes though, I wonder about this idea.
If I don’t really know where I’ve been or who I am or where I come from, is it possible to chart a course to move ahead?
Or is this more dilly-dallying and resistance?
The need for a tribe, our people, our family seems to be encoded in our DNA. It’s in mine anyway.
The story of searching for that family is my core story. I’ve tried shelving it and saying that it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried bullying myself into believing that my birth-people are inconsequential, and that decisions made about me without my knowledge are not relevant to the life I’m meant to live.
Then I see the patterns of trying to fit in, of running away before I can be ‘abandoned’ of trying to soothe the ruffled feathers so everyone will stay calm and get along….
No matter the logic, the past is part of the present. Resisting it allows it persist. That doesn’t mean I need to wallow in the past or wait til the questions are answered before living my life and my truth. It simply means that putting the story and the feelings in the remainder pile isn’t particularly useful.
Rather it’s important to own it. Tell it. And keep moving and choosing the present.
Right now I think I can be in both places – reflecting on my history and creating a legacy. I’m constantly re-framing my story – looking at it from different perspectives – good, bad and indifferent.
Tomorrow I might feel differently.
What about you? How do you feel about your past? Does it influence your present or have you put it to bed once and for all?