Who would you be if you weren’t taking care of everyone else?
This sense that we need to control the world is often referred to as co-dependence. At least that’s what I’m told.
I’ve denied the co-dependent moniker my entire life. It just wasn’t me after all. I believe that people should live and let live. I’m turned on but the idea that we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got.
In practice, I’ve been running around like some crazy air traffic controller – trying to direct all the lives in my orbit. What does that look like? Well, in my head, it’s a smooth stream of orchestration – war-gaming outcomes that will have the most positive effect on everyone else in my world, and by extension – the world at large.
For more than 40 years I’ve been trying to make someone I don’t even KNOW feel better about herself. I’ve been working hard to make everything okay for my birth-mom. Add to that my need to make my parents, siblings, friends, cousins, co-workers “okay” (whatever that is) and it because a pretty heavy bag to lug around.
The wild part is that I didn’t consciously accept this as my truth.
I’ve been spiritual journeying for a while now. I’ve been to the self-help section of the library and bookstore thousands of times. I’ve participated in the healing work and I’ve agreed to “Let Go and Let God.” So it didn’t enter my mind that I was on this control-freak mission to be the CEO of the world.
In the meantime, being CEO of my life took a back seat. So far back that if you asked me 3 months ago (as someone did) what made me happy, I’d look like a deer that was just asked to calculate Pi. I had no idea. the need to control things was disguised in my mind as my need to help others. You and I both know this is classic “healer penalty” stuff and I’d fallen right into the quicksand without a second thought.
That’s the thing about life – there’s always something new to learn if we’re able to get present.
Not being present is a great way to come up with excuses and duck out of our responsibility to ourselves.
I’m willing to keep up the journey to self-awareness and truth. Even when it knocks me for a loop. The thing is, whenever I clear this type of inner misunderstanding up – my outer world clears up too.
So I ask you – who would you be if you weren’t trying to be CEO of the World?